We sat there glued to the hospital chairs, staring at the two grave faces looking back at us, not really believing our own ears. “I’m afraid your son is autistic.” I remember the extreme rush of thoughts going through my head at that moment. It was like my brain was working overtime, jumping between colorful images of my dear little boy with his bright blue eyes and vague depressing images of him in the future, sitting somewhere all alone and staring at nothing at all. To me, these drastically contrasting images didn’t make sense. While a part of me knew the truth of what was being said deep down inside, another larger part was screaming with protest. It couldn’t be! Not my happy little boy who was always smiling and giving me his special little hugs while declaring his love for me. I heard my voice slowly asking with a mix of doubt and hope: “Are you sure?” With all the certainty in the world, one pair of grave eyes looked directly at me, followed by a single word: “Yes”.
Suddenly it all became a little too much and I had to put all my energy into swallowing down the tears that were threatening to burst. My throat filled with this unbearable chunk and I couldn’t say anything for a long while. Probably sensing how uneasy we felt, the grave once started saying something but I had a difficulty following their words. I was utterly numb and opposed to earlier, it was like my brain had stopped functioning. The only thing it could focus on was the disbelief. How ignorant we had been in the waiting room, reassuringly convincing each other that there would be nothing wrong.
My husband was the first to get a hold of himself and started asking sensible questions about the future. “So… what does that mean? How is it going to affect him in the future? Will he be able to go to school? Will he be able to work and provide for himself? Will he be able to date – to marry? Will he be able to have kids?!?” The answer came as an ice-cold gush of water in the face: “Well, it is known that autistic children sometimes have problems with school, not all of them of course, but it’s common that they are struggling – especially socially. Most of them get to finish elementary school with some support. In regards to work – well that depends. And I would not necessarily think so far as to marriage and kids but as we said before, individuals with autism can have problems socially.” The chunk in my throat somehow managed to grow bigger while in my mind, the future I had always imagined for my son collapsed.
When thinking back to that day, this last part is what I remember as clear as it was yesterday. I am sure they were trying to be professional. I’m sure they were trying not to fill us with false hope but simply telling it as it was. I’m sure they wanted to be considerate and sensitive. However, these words felt like a knife was being thrust into my heart and the only thing they left me with was despair. We were rather quiet on our way home, lost in our own gloomy thoughts, only addressing each other occasionally with hopeful suggestions about positive traits in our son’s nature. When we came home the usual choirs of making dinner, cleaning up afterwards and putting the boys to sleep delayed any further discussion on the matter.
When the boys were sound asleep I suddenly had an urgent need for something sweet so I decided to walk to the nearest shop to buy some candy. On my way back I remember thinking just how strange it was that I hadn’t cried yet. In fact, since we’d left the hospital, I had felt nothing but numbness. Since I was feeling remarkably okay I decided to call my parents to let them know. But as soon as I heard my mothers voice it all came crushing down on me and I could barely squeeze out a hoarse “hi” before my throat completely closed up and the tears came streaming down my cheeks. I told her about the events of the day with great difficulty, barely comprehensible between my sobs. I vaguely remember that phone call, where I sat on a bench outside of our building in the cold, with my mother crying with me on the phone with half the Atlantic Ocean between us and that all she wanted to do was to hold me. I have never wanted my mom so badly in my life!
My amazingly joyful JA
I can’t even imagine how you felt in the moment when you heard the doctor say that’s what it was. You are so brave though, you didn’t even cry until you talked to your mom. I’m a developmental therapist for kids with Autism. I must say that it has been the greatest blessing in my life. Kids with Autism are some of the most remarkable people that I have ever met. Although things may be tough at times when you see your son make progress you are going to look at him like he is the most amazing human being on earth. I worked very intensely with one little boy in particular this last summer, when we got him he was completely non verbal and had problems socially with hitting. By the end of the summer he was was talking and interacting with his peers. Big stuff! Like playing legos and taking turns on the playground. His hitting problem had drastically changed. His parents had me go talk to his teachers about what I did because they were so impressed by his progress. Just don’t lose hope. You are so brave. I bet your son is wonderful!
Godbless
Wow, thank you so much for that lovely and encouraging comment. It truly makes me hopeful for my boys, particularly the younger one whose verbal development is progressing very slowly to say the least. I sincerely believe that people like you, who have chosen to work with challenging cases just as the one you mentioned, for the joy and privilege of seeing the good results, are the real heroes here. So thank you for that and please keep up the good work! ;)
It is now almost half a year since that dramatic day I describe in the post and since then, I have witnessed so many remarkable improvements in both my boys. Although this particular post is perhaps rather dark and gloomy, it merely explains how I felt that very day after receiving the news. But like you say, although things are tough and everything may seem completely hopeless, there will come a day when the sun will shine again. So rest assured that I have yet to post tons of things that are more on the positive side of life.
I am ever the optimist and I think the following quote by Oscar Wilde is a good thing to live by: “What seems to us as bitter trials are often blessings in disguise”
Thank you, Ragga
úff ég fer bara að gráta þegar ég les þetta af því að ég deili svo með þér þessari tilfinningu, það er virkilega gaman að fá að lesa bloggið þitt og það verður gaman að fylgjast með :) gangi ykkur vel
kveðja Guðný Anna
Já Guðný Anna, það eru eflaust ótalmargir sem hafa fundið fyrir nákvæmlega þessum sömu tilfinningum. En það þýðir líka að maður er ekki einn um að standa í þessum sporum þó manni líði stundum þannig. Og eins undarlega og það kannski hljómar þá veitir það manni ákveðinn styrk að vita af öðrum þarna úti sem hafa upplifað það sama og maður sjálfur og ekki bara komist frá því lifandi heldur sterkari en áður.
Já nákvæmlega! það er svo rétt hjá þér ;)
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I’m slowly making my way through each of your blogs and am for the first time since Luca’s diagnosis finding a story which is very similar to my own experiences and sums up how I feel and how I hope in the future to feel. Luca’s diagnosis was also very matter of fact. We were even told to grieve the loss of the child we would never have! I cried and cried that day as I imagined the struggle my son would face but doesn’t every parent struggle with what their child may face?
Thank you for writing these blogs though. They have been a great source of comfort.
Dear Helen,
It makes me so very happy to hear that you relate to what I write and find comfort in my words. That alone gives me a sense of fulfillment – that my blog is actually helping someone out there. Thank you so much for commenting and letting me know. I hope my writings will continue to provide some concordance. Good luck with everything.
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Thank you Natasha. I’ve actually taken a long (1,5 month) break from blogging due to extreme business but am about to start again. Please stay tuned ;)
xx Ragga
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Hi there,
sorry for my late reply but here it is: http://feeds.feedburner.com/FamilyandAutism – you can also follow the blog via email if you want. I usually never post more than once a week (and it’s been much less of late) so I’m not going to overflow your mailbox :)
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Heya this is kinda of off topic but I was wanting to know if blogs use WYSIWYG editors or if you have to manually code with HTML.
I’m starting a blog soon but have no coding experience so I wanted to get guidance from someone with experience. Any help would be enormously appreciated!
Carina,
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