It’s been a year today since you let your presence known and changed our lives forever. I won’t lie, getting the verdict was a tremendous shock and it didn’t get easier when we realized, soon after, that not only did JA have autism but also his younger brother, V. For days we were in complete denial and disbelief. For weeks we were devastated, grieving the loss of our sons’ future we had imagined. We didn’t give you the warmest welcome – rather the opposite. We were angry with you for choosing our boys as targets. We hated your presence and for a long time, we had nothing but negative feelings towards you. I think it’s safe to say that we were not prepared for your appearance but I guess it has something to do with your bad reputation. Fortunately, we’ve come to learn that your reputation is grossly exaggerated.
I am not saying that you are not challenging or heartbreaking at times, because you are. And what has surprised me the most in retrospect is how long it takes to get over you as a constant in our lives. We got over the initial shock but that doesn’t mean that we don’t have relapses every now and then where the despair threatens to take over. And sometimes we let the darkness encompass us and drown ourselves in self-pity. But only temporarily. What doesn’t break you makes you stronger and we certainly haven’t broken yet. I guess that means that we’ve grown stronger. Our crust is thicker because of you.
Despite the difficulties that are certainly there, it’s not all bad. Far from it. You’ll never be welcome, I’m afraid. No one wishes for their child to have autism. But once I learned to accept that you are present, that you’ve been there all along, and that you’ll always be there, it became easier to forgive you for choosing my kids. You see, I love them unconditionally and since you are an integrated part of them, it’s difficult to hate on you. What I mean is that you are part of them and I don’t know where to separate you from them. And since I love them, I guess that means that, in a certain way, I love you too. What a bizarre realization!
What a tricky phenomenon you are. You are hard to understand and affect those you touch in so many different ways that it’s almost hard to keep up. You can be intimidating, isolating and so so limiting in many ways. It’s so easy to dislike you and yet, there is something intriguing. You can be quirky and mind-blowing in your brilliance. You can foster weirdos and geniuses but all I want from you is that you go easy on my boys. Whatever that means, please just let them be happy.
As always thank you for reading. Sharing the post and/or commenting is always appreciated. ~Ragga