Lately, it has become more and more apparent to me that I’m being mean and unfair towards myself pretty much all the time. I seem to be stuck in a never-ending cycle that I’m having trouble getting out of. You see, I feel guilty almost all the time. It can be that I don’t feel like I’m a good enough a mother, it can be that I don’t feel like I’m a good enough a wife, or that I’m not efficient enough in my studies, or that the house is always a mess, or, or, or… I always feel like I have to be doing something and when I do, I always feel like it’s done at the expense of something else I should or could be doing. It’s a vicious circuit that leads nowhere. It’s a fight with my unconsciousness that I can’t win!
Before I go into details in this post I feel it is important to emphasize that I am no expert on the matters of autism but merely a mother whose son has been diagnosed and is likely to get a diagnosis for the other one too. Hence, my writings are but accounts of that experience and how it affects the family. One important aspect of that is how all this affected my husband and I in different ways.
I’d been feeling a lot better lately after the temporary depression that had consumed me when we realized, shortly after receiving the news about JA, that the likelihood of V also being autistic was substantial. During the past few weeks, I had slowly become more like myself, consciously eating healthier and exercising as a way to improve my mental state. It was working. I gradually started opening up and it became less difficult to talk about what had happened. The first stages of acceptance were taking over from the grieving process.