Lately, it has become more and more apparent to me that I’m being mean and unfair towards myself pretty much all the time. I seem to be stuck in a never-ending cycle that I’m having trouble getting out of. You see, I feel guilty almost all the time. It can be that I don’t feel like I’m a good enough a mother, it can be that I don’t feel like I’m a good enough a wife, or that I’m not efficient enough in my studies, or that the house is always a mess, or, or, or… I always feel like I have to be doing something and when I do, I always feel like it’s done at the expense of something else I should or could be doing. It’s a vicious circuit that leads nowhere. It’s a fight with my unconsciousness that I can’t win!
Before I go into details in this post I feel it is important to emphasize that I am no expert on the matters of autism but merely a mother whose son has been diagnosed and is likely to get a diagnosis for the other one too. Hence, my writings are but accounts of that experience and how it affects the family. One important aspect of that is how all this affected my husband and I in different ways.
When couples make the decision to add a child to the family, the image they picture is usually of the perfect family, happily adoring this tiny little thing that has suddenly become the center of the universe. When thinking further into the future, parents tend to imagine their children growing up to be happy individuals and valued members of society. These future images rarely involve anything out of the ordinary. Thus, it is always a severe blow when people learn that their child has some kind of a condition that is likely to affect their future prospects.